During the last months of my pregnancy I had a lot of free time because I had to stay at home.
So I should have a lot of time to write, but I wasn't always up to it because of the hormones.
It isn't because you have a lot of time that you also want to write.
I wanted, but then I felt like, no that is not what I want to write...
But today I have inspiration and energy.
I have 2,5 weeks until my due date.
So the last weeks I was just numbing and watching hallmark movies and reading other mommy blogs.
There isn't much that I can do anymore.
Everything for the baby is ready.
I did almost everything I wanted to do before the baby came.
Not only during my pregnancy but all these years.
So when people say enjoy this or do this because when the baby comes you will miss it.
Maybe I will sometimes, but I did everything I wanted to do before getting pregnant.
So I'm ready, really ready!
I wasn't really capable to go walking in the park/city because of my pelvic instability.
But I was courageous and went few times alone with the car to the stores or post office.
Because three weeks ago my husband started going with a colleague to work, two/three days my husband drives them, and two/three days his colleague. So I have two/three days a week the car. So that will sure be nice when the baby comes, because I do not look forward to go by bus or tram with the stroller. It is too expensive to have two cars. Normally I do everything by bike.
But I should buy a new bike, this one is really old and not safe to ride a baby on it!
So what inspired me to write this blog: are the hallmark movies and the other mommy blogs.
One story touched me really: about the baby Hadley, you can read it here.
This little girl was one of a triplet and didn't survive...
So I was thinking, you cary a baby 9 months in your belly, (and pregnancy isn't easy, I find it the toughest thing I did so far and I haven't given birth yet) and then she dies a few days after birth.
Than I panic of course.
I'm not good with death.
Only of old people that die, but they lived their life (I hope they did, because some people don't live they life as they want to), that is also sad, but that young people die, why?
There was one year, I think 2013 when a lot of people I knew died.
A aunt from cancer (57 years old)
A friend of my mother suddenly without being sick (55 years old)
A pregnant friend from a cerebral hemorrhage (30 years old)
A friend's husband from an squad accident (young maybe 28 years old)
My grandmother
My grandfather
My husband lost his father in 2011
And now I read how a baby dies.
Then I saw a movie how a mom dies while giving birth.
Than in all the hallmark movies, the husband loses his wive, or the wive loses her husband.
They have happy endings, but it hurts that so many people lose the people they love, and not only in the movies, but in reality and some of them I knew.
So when I have an argument with my husband, parents, I always think why? That is such a waste of time, but sometimes arguments help you communicate better and live a better life together, but sometimes they really don't...
And in that story of the baby who dies, the mother says: 'I started living life day by day and realized what is important and what not.'
But it is too bad that something like that has to happen for a person to realize that.
You should also learn from other people's stories.
The aunt that died, never got married nor had children, because she stayed with the wrong man. She was so looking forward to get her pension, because she lost her job because of a crisis, and she died before that happend. Some bad people took her house and everything.
My heart was really broken. Why are people so bad? Why didn't she left the man?
All this stories are so painful.
So sometimes I think, maybe it is safe to stay alone?
But that is not living life.
I'm scared to lose everyone ...
I try my best to enjoy with everyone who I love...
I hate it when I argue with my father or mother because my husband his father isn't here.
My mother lost her mother.
Especially if you live far away from your parents.
Like my mother lived far away from her mother (2000km).
And my husband lost his father, and then 2 years later he moved with me to Belgium far from his mother who lives in Bosnia (2000km far). He didn't see her 10 months for our love, because we waited for him to get a Belgian resident permit, so he could travel freely and come back.
I felt/feel guilty a lot of times, but I really thought he wouldn't move with me here.. But I'm glad he did!
I really try but sometimes even I forget how hard his decision must have been...
But I would stayed for him in Belgrade, just not in Bosnia, because there isn't a lot of job opportunity like in Belgium. People, among which his sisters left the village to search work in the city.
But now when I see that you can work from home, from the internet, maybe someday we will move to Bosnia, because the nature is there beautiful and ecotourism is now very popular, so who knows? That I also learned from the hallmark movies, how city people use their talent and stay for love in the little villages. So beautiful, I love it. But when we got married I was 23, just finishing university, still had to finish my master thesis, so I didn't saw that you can earn your money from everywhere if you have the right job.
The blogs and movies inspired me... so who knows maybe one day?
It also doesn't mean that the other people should blame you that you didn't lose the ones you love.
Sometimes I felt guilty to go to my parents who live a few streets away.
But even though they are close I don't go a lot to them.
Because of work and everybody has his busy schedule.
Also since I got married, and even before my parents want the best for me, but sometimes it feels like interfering. So sometimes I'm not up to it, to argue with them that we want to do it our way.
I think now the baby is coming, they realize okay our girl is big now, grown up.
But your child will always stay your child, probably now that I'm becoming a mom I will realize it better.
And I'm realizing too that I'm not their little girl anymore.
It wasn't easy becoming a wife so soon, you're still between two worlds...It is a growing proces.
I'm also scared sometimes.
Because my parents are becoming grandparents and I'm becoming a mom.
And we are all getting old and are going to die one day.
And that thought hurts me.
I shouldn't think that way, and if there is a heaven we will see each other again...
But still life is so hard!
People survive so much, but it really hurts...
But what I want to tell with this post, don't wait that something bad happens in your life to realize that we can be here today and tomorrow not.
Enjoy life, do what you like.
Do the job you like, spend the time with the people you love, because life is short...
And learn from other stories...
I also forget sometimes...but with my husband I don't forget, he knows it is important to me that we spent a lot of time together and travel and enjoy life, sometimes I stress too much because of money..
This two years were a bit hard, because buying and renovating a house isn't cheap. But we will survive, our health and love is more important!
I would love to spent more time with my sisters and parents too..
But we don't live under the same roof anymore, but we spent as much time as we can.
But sometimes some people are stubborn, it has to come from two ways, but you can say it to them: 'this argument isn't worth our short time here on earth!'
Now I'm so confused that I even don't know what I want with my life.
I wanted to be a career woman, wife and mom.
But is too heard to combine everything and the question is, is it worth it?
I'm not going to do a job I don't love, but my husband, child and family are more important to me...
Especially now.
Normally I had energy to help everybody, but now I'm like now it is me and family time...
I want to enjoy the baby...
So I don't like when people ask me what I'm going to do from september..
I don't want to think so far.
As the mommy in the blog said: " think and live day by day: that is hard enough.."
And that is what you should, live today..tomorrow you will see..
That is also Mindfulness...
Now I'm living for the moment to finally hold this little baby in my hands, to feel what all the mothers describe, that being pregnant is worth it..
Because this last weeks, brings new discomforts, whenever I think this is it, it can't get any "worse" : my feet got swollen, I can't put on my shoes and it is winter so you can't walk in your flip flops, then my knees hurt while I sleep, so weird! And heartburns, and I'm still getting fat...
But enjoy life hehe! Be thankful for every day..Especially spending with the ones I love, including this little baby in my belly!
So I'm really sad for the people who lost their loved ones.
But they all said "it is better to experience that kind of love in your life, even if it is brief than never to had them in your life..."
So I'm really thankful that I still have all the people I love in my life that is a real treasure! You should cherish it also as I do...
(except of the aunt, I really miss her, but I remember her, and I'm thankful she was a part in my life, and she learned me so much...)
No comments:
Post a Comment